When I started this blog project, I was most attached to the drawing aspect of it. Unfortunately, days on end of holding a drawing implement (especially one as heavy as the apple pencil) has flared up old pain in my elbow/forearm. Over a decade ago I had such severe tendonitis in my elbow that the surgical intervention included entirely removing the non-functioning epicondyle tendon and rebuilding with the smaller tendons of the arm. The recovery from this was further complicated by a radial nerve pinched by scar tissue that caused seemingly unexplained pain that wouldn’t go away--and then a second surgery to fix that. There was a time when I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to use my right hand or arm at all which, as an artist, was devastating. Fortunately, I had a dedicated team of doctors and occupational therapists who helped me get it back.
In the years since, when the pain has flared up due to overuse, I have alternately worked through retracing the steps to heal it or acting out of anger at the pain--forcing it to do things the pain was telling me not to, just because I was mad that it hurt. This never goes well, and always sets me back further than need be. Somehow, it is a lesson I have yet to fully learn. I am working on it.
I am trying to let it be okay that I am frustrated at having to redirect on my redirect… just accept the feelings, work through them, and accept and adapt to my changing reality rather than fight it or abandon the project altogether. I am continuing to take photos to document our life, and will return to drawing at a pace that is more sustainable, when a return is possible. In the meantime, I am proud of myself for continuing to write, for fighting the urge to walk away from this thing just because it didn’t go exactly as I had envisioned. If I take nothing else from this time in quarantine, I hope it is this willingness to adapt, and seeing my ability to redirect as needed as a matter of victory rather than defeat.